SCENE: You, shoulders relaxed, with your computer on your lap and your feet propped up on the table. You’re confident. You didn’t prepare much for your draft because you’ve got this. Your mind is clear, only wasting valuable space remembering the exact guys you want to target. Your pick is two away and you nonchalantly eye your guy, thinking about how good he’ll look on your team. It’s your buddy’s pick, then yours…
“SON OF A MONKEY!” A knot forms in your neck. A sweat bead forms. “He just took the guy I had my eye on!”
IT’S FULL ON PANIC!! But I’ll tell you how to panic well. Trust me.
1. The first player you want to look for when someone pulls the chair out from under you is one with an alliterative name. Alliteration is almost always awesome. Grab Stephen Strasburg, Coco Crisp, Chris Carpenter or Miguel Montero. Draft by name, not for stats. You say this is 3rd round when this happened? Shoot, go for Brandon Belt. No way he’s been drafted yet!
2. If the player you’ve been eye-ballin’ gets drafted just ahead of you, then draft an injury-prone player instead. The other owners have dropped these guys lower in their rankings over injury concerns. You zig where they zag and reach for them! No way Justin Morneau plays even 50 games. Grab him. Your 3B spot is open? Chipper Jones! Shoot, Joel Zumaya would’ve been good about now, but Grady Sizemore will do in a pinch. And you are in a pinch!
3. Grab an over the hill veteran, just on name recognition. This might be the ticket to revive his career. Is the Jason Varitek retirement official? What about Wakefield? Darn! What are the Red Sox good for? I got it – the Angel’s outfield. Vernon Wells or Bobby Abreu ftw. It doesn’t matter if they are producing anymore, you just need a name that you can recall when you are on the clock. Oh, Craig Counsel! He’s versatile and alliterative!
4. Ok, take a breath. Have fun with this. Just draft the most hillbilly sounding player available. Too bad Oil Can Boyd retired, because that is some kind of crazy hillbilly sounding name. But I bet Bud Norris is still on the board! For every Butch Huskey that didn’t make it in the majors, there is a Buster Posey, Hunter Pence, Dan Uggla, Ike Davis, Drew Stubbs, Billy Butler, Freddie Freeman, John Buck or J.J. Putz. You might not compete, but other teams will fear you if you have a roster full of Lucas Dudas.
There you have it. Plenty of valuable tips for how to panic well in a fantasy baseball draft. Makes you almost want the guy you were targeting to be drafted out from under you. Almost.
What about you? Any advice to add?